Tuesday, October 30, 2018
Wednesday, July 5, 2017
#wbw ing.... found this link to the fundraiser my friends organized for me...
https://www.32auctions.com/organizations/3079/auctions/3445
I realize that I had very little to do with it... and/or PTSD blocked out the whole thing... and looking at the list of works... so moving. Three of the 150 artists who donated have now passed away. I just want to make sure that every single person knows how grateful I am and how they have saved me every day.
<3
https://www.32auctions.com/organizations/3079/auctions/3445
I realize that I had very little to do with it... and/or PTSD blocked out the whole thing... and looking at the list of works... so moving. Three of the 150 artists who donated have now passed away. I just want to make sure that every single person knows how grateful I am and how they have saved me every day.
<3
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
year 3.
i'm still very grateful.
trauma brain is still real. this blog helps me remember what i went through.
#tbt:
http://www.amazon.com/Sea-
BOOKS:
http://www.amazon.com/Cancer-
i'm still very grateful.
trauma brain is still real. this blog helps me remember what i went through.
#tbt:
so for anti nausea I ate umeboshi plums. they are nasty but seriously helped the nausea. they have them at whole foods and lots of places in chinatown.... http://www.amazon.com/Eden-
also wore seabands:http://www.amazon.com/Sea-
FOOD:
I did what Jeffrey Yuen told me as far as diet. Ralph Roberts is also good with herbs and diet... Different people/cancers may need slightly different things (as i ate no soy) but basically they should be similar...no sugar in any form (the only fruit I ate were berries for the first year), no wheat/gluten/potato/corn (basically brown rice, quinoa or buckwheat), no dairy (eggs are ok), no bottom feeding fish, organic as much as possible. For summer juicing is good. For winter steaming or stewing is better. Eating raw non-juiced is sometimes hard on your system to break down, and thus uses energy that should go to boosting your immune system...(i didnt eat anything raw the whole year), no caffeine or carcinogens (but green tea was ok). lots and lots of water- seltzer was good for the nausea. And I took chinese herbs as prescribed. For the first 6 months I also took a huge load of vitamins as per some books I was reading- self prescribed- my chinese doctor said it was fine but not so necessary if i did the diet and herbs right.
STRESS:
absolutely as essential as diet i believe. i had to come up with a simple response for people and also had other people act as my communicators to create boundaries for me and to make only positivity and optimism surround me. Even when my friends did that fundraiser, I was very minimally involved so to reduce stress. As I mentioned, I had a health calendar for my friends who wanted to help, cook or clean for me, come with me to treatment or drive me there or back.
I meditated with a guide about three times a week, saw a therapist, acupuncturist and massage therapist once a week each. It really did eat up all of my time, but it was all focused on my healing.
All should be available at the public library. As I mentioned, there are so many philosophies that contradict eachother. It was overwhelming to me. For me, I ended up avoiding most internet info except for regards to asking my doctor about trials and side effects of what she prescribed. I did however use these books and tried to listen to my instinct on what felt right for me...
Jeffrey Yuen recommended this book:http://www.amazon.com/Cancer-
one of my acupuncturists recommended these two books (i used the blaylock book and the henderson book to find what vitamins i needed):
http://www.amazon.com/Natural-
http://www.amazon.com/Gerson-
http://www.amazon.com/Natural-
http://www.amazon.com/Gerson-
I love these two books, mostly for reference:
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-
My surgeon published this book, just a cookbook, nothing super new:
http://www.amazon.com/Strang-
http://www.amazon.com/Strang-
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Side Effects two and a half years later
No one ever told me what would happen after treatment. And I know I was overconfident in combatting all of it. Depression, "chemobrain", early "menopause" (hot flashes, no period), panic attacks, weight gain. It is all chemical. I have to remind myself every day that it is not just my genetics or my habits or my choices. It is the fact that the flushed my body with toxic chemicals and continue to make me take drugs that force my body to not regulate itself, that force my body to not flush toxins out, and force a chemistry that causes a chain reaction inside of me.
I don't remember if I told you about all of this before. I've been taking Tamoxifen for nearly three years now out of five prescribed. Which she says will change to ten. In the second year I was prescribed Effexor to combat some of my side-effects on Tamoxifen (depression, panic attacks, hot flashes). But both of these drugs have a side effect of weight gain. Eventually I was taken off Effexor because the depression that the weight gain caused wasn't worth it to me. My hot flashes were tolerable and I take Valium for panic attacks which are infrequent. But the weight has not come off. So I assume Tamoxifen is the leading cause of that. It makes sense... it is messing with my hormones, tricking my body into thinking it is in menopause so I look like a 60 year old lady because of that. I worked out every day and saw nothing change. I have never ever been this heavy before. Even when I was heavy I was thirty pounds lighter than this. Also, the idea of dating and having to tell someone that I not only had cancer but could not have kids was sinking in as my doctor told me finally that I may actually be in menopause. What thirty-something year old, hell, forty-something year old would actually choose a partner that could get sick again, wants kids but can't have them and is freakin fat mangle-tittied and not healthy looking if they had other choices? I got so depressed about all this a few months ago that I did not refill my rx. It wasn't really on purpose, it was kind of subconscious laziness. I was traveling. I didn't refill. Anyways, a month later, to my surprise, I got my period for the first time in over three years. I cried. haha. I really did. And I called my acupuncturist who cried with me. I was so happy and hopeful now. I went back on the Tamoxifen but I know now that my body can recover. I should've trusted that. But it had been so long. My body has always always always been sensitive... look at my first reaction to acupuncture! It should not be surprising that a drug would take such impact on my body and no surprise that my body can be resilient.
So for this new year, I cannot wait to commit to some healthy habits again. I'm going back to my food plan from before, I'm going to continue exercise, continue acupuncture, maybe take classes or join a gym, and cut alcohol and find another meditation center or something.
2015: recenter.
my words for the year are Health and Ambition.
I don't remember if I told you about all of this before. I've been taking Tamoxifen for nearly three years now out of five prescribed. Which she says will change to ten. In the second year I was prescribed Effexor to combat some of my side-effects on Tamoxifen (depression, panic attacks, hot flashes). But both of these drugs have a side effect of weight gain. Eventually I was taken off Effexor because the depression that the weight gain caused wasn't worth it to me. My hot flashes were tolerable and I take Valium for panic attacks which are infrequent. But the weight has not come off. So I assume Tamoxifen is the leading cause of that. It makes sense... it is messing with my hormones, tricking my body into thinking it is in menopause so I look like a 60 year old lady because of that. I worked out every day and saw nothing change. I have never ever been this heavy before. Even when I was heavy I was thirty pounds lighter than this. Also, the idea of dating and having to tell someone that I not only had cancer but could not have kids was sinking in as my doctor told me finally that I may actually be in menopause. What thirty-something year old, hell, forty-something year old would actually choose a partner that could get sick again, wants kids but can't have them and is freakin fat mangle-tittied and not healthy looking if they had other choices? I got so depressed about all this a few months ago that I did not refill my rx. It wasn't really on purpose, it was kind of subconscious laziness. I was traveling. I didn't refill. Anyways, a month later, to my surprise, I got my period for the first time in over three years. I cried. haha. I really did. And I called my acupuncturist who cried with me. I was so happy and hopeful now. I went back on the Tamoxifen but I know now that my body can recover. I should've trusted that. But it had been so long. My body has always always always been sensitive... look at my first reaction to acupuncture! It should not be surprising that a drug would take such impact on my body and no surprise that my body can be resilient.
So for this new year, I cannot wait to commit to some healthy habits again. I'm going back to my food plan from before, I'm going to continue exercise, continue acupuncture, maybe take classes or join a gym, and cut alcohol and find another meditation center or something.
2015: recenter.
my words for the year are Health and Ambition.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Survivorship...
This is for Anyone Who's Ever Asked, "Why Did I Survive?" | I Had Cancer.: http://www.ihadcancer.com/h3-blog/10-30-2014/This-is-for-Anyone-Whos-Ever-Asked-Why-Did-I-Survive#.VFfwqe9eDoI.twitter
Gratitude.
10/30/14
This is the end of “Breast Cancer Awareness Month.” I know that themed months have some purpose, but every day is breast cancer awareness for me. And I want to spend every month remembering my people, my culture, my history. It’s been three years and four months since my diagnosis and about two years since “active” treatment. I don’t agree with the ideas of winning or loosing with cancer. I don’t even agree with the concept of “battling” it. I don’t want to give it so much power. I am here, thankful, lucky. But this has been a very rough week. Rough month. Rough year. With all the loss. So many people who have shaped my life are shaping it from a different existence now. Yosra El-Essawy and Ms. Catherine Arline have seared themselves onto my vision of the world… even if we were not best friends, my best friends were their best friends and that made them both family. And they were both so insanely special. That empty feeling that loss gives you- cores out your guts, twists your throat, steams your eyes and makes my fingers and toes tingle. I think everyone who knows either of them will be feeling their absence for a very long time. Ms. Arline’s faith in our artwork, support of my friend, her open mindedness, humor… Kambui: remember when she first met me and was confused that I was actually named Heather (because that was her generic name for all girls). Yosra’s light- I don’t understand how someone could give such infectious optimism, positivity and charm even when she was telling a dark or sarcastic joke or in the middle of treatment… telling me I was her example or was strong, lord, she was strength. One of those people who make you feel better just taking a stroll through the city with. I have some anger that those two were the ones who had to move on. So unfair. Yosra was just beginning to change the world and Ms. Arline was the stilts for BedStuy. I can't imagine being in the shoes of my friends who were closer to them. Sending light and love and hearts and stars to you, Natasha and K-boogie, Hank, Anna and their families. I am grateful to have had them as part of my life. I am grateful to be here.
http://www.yosra.co.uk/
http://teamslugslayer.com/about-yosra/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2448991/Yosra-El-Essawy-Meet-photographer-Beyonces-official-tour-pictures.html
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHwVTptVgFM
This is the end of “Breast Cancer Awareness Month.” I know that themed months have some purpose, but every day is breast cancer awareness for me. And I want to spend every month remembering my people, my culture, my history. It’s been three years and four months since my diagnosis and about two years since “active” treatment. I don’t agree with the ideas of winning or loosing with cancer. I don’t even agree with the concept of “battling” it. I don’t want to give it so much power. I am here, thankful, lucky. But this has been a very rough week. Rough month. Rough year. With all the loss. So many people who have shaped my life are shaping it from a different existence now. Yosra El-Essawy and Ms. Catherine Arline have seared themselves onto my vision of the world… even if we were not best friends, my best friends were their best friends and that made them both family. And they were both so insanely special. That empty feeling that loss gives you- cores out your guts, twists your throat, steams your eyes and makes my fingers and toes tingle. I think everyone who knows either of them will be feeling their absence for a very long time. Ms. Arline’s faith in our artwork, support of my friend, her open mindedness, humor… Kambui: remember when she first met me and was confused that I was actually named Heather (because that was her generic name for all girls). Yosra’s light- I don’t understand how someone could give such infectious optimism, positivity and charm even when she was telling a dark or sarcastic joke or in the middle of treatment… telling me I was her example or was strong, lord, she was strength. One of those people who make you feel better just taking a stroll through the city with. I have some anger that those two were the ones who had to move on. So unfair. Yosra was just beginning to change the world and Ms. Arline was the stilts for BedStuy. I can't imagine being in the shoes of my friends who were closer to them. Sending light and love and hearts and stars to you, Natasha and K-boogie, Hank, Anna and their families. I am grateful to have had them as part of my life. I am grateful to be here.
http://www.yosra.co.uk/
http://teamslugslayer.com/about-yosra/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2448991/Yosra-El-Essawy-Meet-photographer-Beyonces-official-tour-pictures.html
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHwVTptVgFM
Monday, June 23, 2014
my epically long anniversary entry ;P
Each year is full of firsts now. First year of treatment. First year after treatment. First year with people perceiving me as healed. First year feeling the desire to reach out to others...I don't post here enough and I online diaries annoy me. But I marvel at how much I've changed and feel like I wish I could've read this three (three!) years ago.
I recently have gotten closer to a performance artist who also went through treatment, but years before me. Being able to bounce ideas around with him has really affected my perception. When I first met him he was obviously magnetic and warm, and it fascinated me how easily he used words like survivor and cancer and fighting... words that I think I fear(ed) giving power to. I grew up being taught and believing that words have significant power, and once a thing is named it has a form... not to fear but to be strategic and care-ful with the way I speak for my own sake. I grew up believing that the mind had power enough to truly heal. And to not say I was worried about something in my life, but maybe flip it and say I was feeling challenged. It may seem silly, but especially when I am verbalizing stuff, it still helps my constitution to not reinforce negativity through wording. I spent the last two years carving out a language to talk about what I was going through that felt right to me... if you noticed, I never said "I have cancer," or "I am fighting cancer," because I didn't believe it was something worth "having" and I saying I was fighting it inferred that it was something of a threat to me... I did not want it associated with my identity so I was careful to say something like, "I am going through cancer treatment (maybe leaving out the "cancer" even, so as to not name it)." So this is what confused me... I met this amazing person who I saw myself in... like a mirror... and he was comfortably using these words that I didn't use. I never called myself a "survivor." Besides evoking Gloria Gaynor or Destiny's Child it felt like that would be boxing me into a group of people who might not have survived. Maybe that was it... the stigma that our society has around cancer is epic and I didn't want that to become my identity. When I was first diagnosed I remember being really dismissive of the cancer culture... very old women or very young children, pink clothing, shaving heads, emotional "walking," wearing fancy Hasidic wigs, and "fighting" more often than a Korean soap opera. That was not me. But then again, I remember vividly the moment I was diagnosed, and I saved the email I sent to my family later that day- I had no idea what I was about to go through. No idea.
I told them my diagnosis was stage 1- no chemo... and remember carefully framing my communication as to not evoke pity or fear... for them... and probably myself too. I didn't think I'd have to tell anyone who wasn't family... I was pretty dismissive. As my treatment progressed and they found the cancer had metastistized to lymph nodes and upgraded the staging along with an agressive oncotype test result (geez, i'm impressed i still have this language in my head), I felt more and more that the western system (or any of them) was not meant for me. The doctors said I was so young, so healthy, not genetically at risk etc etc etc. And I couldn't relate to any of the support systems they had set up. The group therapy was mostly old women who I felt were whiney, the free makeover classes provided by my hospital gave away bags of makeup for white people, and I made too much money to qualify for assistance and too little money to actually pay my co-insurance. Even my doctors were taking educated guesses on a treatment strategy because the Western way of validating testing hadn't been studied for my "demographic." Like I was saying- none of it was for me. I didn't fear it thought, I felt the eastern care I had access to would help me deal with whatever the western care threw my way, so I would go ahead and do it all, because I was a strong and stubborn Taurus who had too many good things going on to sweat whatever I was going through. Most of that I'm sure was survival instinct. I am grateful for that kind of biology.
Anyways, so, my person uses the word "survivor" to describe us. And at first that bristled me. Then I stopped and was floored that I was so sensitive. That's it... it is in the intention in the words that give them energy, and his intention is good... more than that, because of his way of approaching post-treatment life, I was able to connect emotionally with him and with myself more accurately than I have ever. Admitting (3 years later) that this was kind of a goddamn big deal. And words are complicated. "Survivor" and "cancer" and "fighting" should all be thought about on a deeper level... maybe not thrown around like the corporate fundraising organizations do... Surviving should be more than escaping death, as our society has conditioned it. Surviving can be emotional and career success and vision and faith and confidence and happiness. These are what surviving is. Anyone who has felt adversity or challenge in their life is surviving it, no? "Cancer" might have a stigma in my world, but I can help re-identify that word... every human has cancer cells in their body... health or luck or unexplained forces cause these cells to "over-heal" and get stuck and that becomes a problem sometimes. It is just a label. It doesn't mean what it used to mean. And "fighting" I still haven't gotten my head around yet, but I have accepted (adopted, reclaimed?) that word with a giggle since I am addicted to the aforementioned Korean tween tv. But really, the fact is above any crazy physical science that was going on with me the past three years, it has been a goddamn emotional roller coaster that in retrospect I'm pretty gd proud I went through. Beyond what one would immediately imagine was emotionally difficult, some things I didn't anticipate at all were really the biggest challenges.
I learned how important boundaries, letting go and optimism are to my health. How important having my art career taking off during treatment was to my recovery- not only to be distracted and to have a plan for my future but to also pour all of the energy into this thing. To find a way to give back that made sense to me. I watched people fall away who (fairly enough) could not handle themselves around me while I was in treatment... it is a lot to witness and no prescription on how to help. I watched people step up for treatment and disappear when my appearance healed. Again, fair, the urgency of my illness was gone and the more subtle, complicated healing began. And I have grown closer to a bunch of people through this process- people who stepped up and just stayed. I trust in the flow of energy in and out of my life and trust that even if I miss someone, they are not around for good reason. And I grow.
I have the appearance of health now but I have three more years of oral medication to reduce hormones and prevent recurrence... and there are side effects that I feel and see every day (these have been the more complex healing to witness). I am still grateful. I know these are little things, and they are oppressive sometimes... I'm tired of being tired and gaining weight despite my work outs or diet and tired of the roller coaster emotions... these get tiring... but I even still have an army of therapists around me helping me figure it out.
I am tired of watching myself write now, but again want to express my deep and daily gratitude to every single person who has touched my life in the last three years. I hope to pay it forward.
<3
remember?...
I recently have gotten closer to a performance artist who also went through treatment, but years before me. Being able to bounce ideas around with him has really affected my perception. When I first met him he was obviously magnetic and warm, and it fascinated me how easily he used words like survivor and cancer and fighting... words that I think I fear(ed) giving power to. I grew up being taught and believing that words have significant power, and once a thing is named it has a form... not to fear but to be strategic and care-ful with the way I speak for my own sake. I grew up believing that the mind had power enough to truly heal. And to not say I was worried about something in my life, but maybe flip it and say I was feeling challenged. It may seem silly, but especially when I am verbalizing stuff, it still helps my constitution to not reinforce negativity through wording. I spent the last two years carving out a language to talk about what I was going through that felt right to me... if you noticed, I never said "I have cancer," or "I am fighting cancer," because I didn't believe it was something worth "having" and I saying I was fighting it inferred that it was something of a threat to me... I did not want it associated with my identity so I was careful to say something like, "I am going through cancer treatment (maybe leaving out the "cancer" even, so as to not name it)." So this is what confused me... I met this amazing person who I saw myself in... like a mirror... and he was comfortably using these words that I didn't use. I never called myself a "survivor." Besides evoking Gloria Gaynor or Destiny's Child it felt like that would be boxing me into a group of people who might not have survived. Maybe that was it... the stigma that our society has around cancer is epic and I didn't want that to become my identity. When I was first diagnosed I remember being really dismissive of the cancer culture... very old women or very young children, pink clothing, shaving heads, emotional "walking," wearing fancy Hasidic wigs, and "fighting" more often than a Korean soap opera. That was not me. But then again, I remember vividly the moment I was diagnosed, and I saved the email I sent to my family later that day- I had no idea what I was about to go through. No idea.
I told them my diagnosis was stage 1- no chemo... and remember carefully framing my communication as to not evoke pity or fear... for them... and probably myself too. I didn't think I'd have to tell anyone who wasn't family... I was pretty dismissive. As my treatment progressed and they found the cancer had metastistized to lymph nodes and upgraded the staging along with an agressive oncotype test result (geez, i'm impressed i still have this language in my head), I felt more and more that the western system (or any of them) was not meant for me. The doctors said I was so young, so healthy, not genetically at risk etc etc etc. And I couldn't relate to any of the support systems they had set up. The group therapy was mostly old women who I felt were whiney, the free makeover classes provided by my hospital gave away bags of makeup for white people, and I made too much money to qualify for assistance and too little money to actually pay my co-insurance. Even my doctors were taking educated guesses on a treatment strategy because the Western way of validating testing hadn't been studied for my "demographic." Like I was saying- none of it was for me. I didn't fear it thought, I felt the eastern care I had access to would help me deal with whatever the western care threw my way, so I would go ahead and do it all, because I was a strong and stubborn Taurus who had too many good things going on to sweat whatever I was going through. Most of that I'm sure was survival instinct. I am grateful for that kind of biology.
Anyways, so, my person uses the word "survivor" to describe us. And at first that bristled me. Then I stopped and was floored that I was so sensitive. That's it... it is in the intention in the words that give them energy, and his intention is good... more than that, because of his way of approaching post-treatment life, I was able to connect emotionally with him and with myself more accurately than I have ever. Admitting (3 years later) that this was kind of a goddamn big deal. And words are complicated. "Survivor" and "cancer" and "fighting" should all be thought about on a deeper level... maybe not thrown around like the corporate fundraising organizations do... Surviving should be more than escaping death, as our society has conditioned it. Surviving can be emotional and career success and vision and faith and confidence and happiness. These are what surviving is. Anyone who has felt adversity or challenge in their life is surviving it, no? "Cancer" might have a stigma in my world, but I can help re-identify that word... every human has cancer cells in their body... health or luck or unexplained forces cause these cells to "over-heal" and get stuck and that becomes a problem sometimes. It is just a label. It doesn't mean what it used to mean. And "fighting" I still haven't gotten my head around yet, but I have accepted (adopted, reclaimed?) that word with a giggle since I am addicted to the aforementioned Korean tween tv. But really, the fact is above any crazy physical science that was going on with me the past three years, it has been a goddamn emotional roller coaster that in retrospect I'm pretty gd proud I went through. Beyond what one would immediately imagine was emotionally difficult, some things I didn't anticipate at all were really the biggest challenges.
I learned how important boundaries, letting go and optimism are to my health. How important having my art career taking off during treatment was to my recovery- not only to be distracted and to have a plan for my future but to also pour all of the energy into this thing. To find a way to give back that made sense to me. I watched people fall away who (fairly enough) could not handle themselves around me while I was in treatment... it is a lot to witness and no prescription on how to help. I watched people step up for treatment and disappear when my appearance healed. Again, fair, the urgency of my illness was gone and the more subtle, complicated healing began. And I have grown closer to a bunch of people through this process- people who stepped up and just stayed. I trust in the flow of energy in and out of my life and trust that even if I miss someone, they are not around for good reason. And I grow.
I have the appearance of health now but I have three more years of oral medication to reduce hormones and prevent recurrence... and there are side effects that I feel and see every day (these have been the more complex healing to witness). I am still grateful. I know these are little things, and they are oppressive sometimes... I'm tired of being tired and gaining weight despite my work outs or diet and tired of the roller coaster emotions... these get tiring... but I even still have an army of therapists around me helping me figure it out.
I am tired of watching myself write now, but again want to express my deep and daily gratitude to every single person who has touched my life in the last three years. I hope to pay it forward.
<3
remember?...
my roomie washing my hair when i had no use of my arm...
me loving scarves
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)