last chemo tx

nurse didar stabing me in the chest. we call her the one with the sexy eyebrows. i cried partly because of her beautiful baby bump that has grown since she stabbed me inthe chest the first time months ago when i had hair. and because i have to make a decisioin about taking hormone therapy for five years that will delay my conceiving until after. they dont design cancer therapy for people my age. too old to recover in time to be normal and too young to... well, just too young. i admit it has been nice not cramping or bleeding for the past 6 months.

i'm forcing this constipated looking smile because i feel very shitty but in my heart i'm happy. im done!! now on to radiation...

started installation. wearing my lymphadema sleeve and breaking often, so thankful to have an assistant!

update: my fingers and toes are sooo numb! i couldn't cover my feet again last night but i only have ONE MORE CHEMO before that part is over, so I'm talking myself into the zone... must be able to button my shirt on Thursday and keep my hemoglobin, red and white cells up so they'll proceed with treatment. whew.
then i'll get three weeks break before radiation starts.  meanwhile, my sleep patterns have been pretty consistent the last few weeks... thursday i crash from the drugs, friday i'm wired from the drugs, saturday and sunday the drugs are starting to wear off and i sleep for 2-4 hour stretches and then am up for 5-7 before i crash again, monday-wednesdays are increasingly better- up to 6 hours of sleep at nights but i usually am up at like 5am adn crash at like 7pm which is annoying.

bills: piling up in the shoe box besides the automatic debit ones. whole foods is a money vacuum but i'm not allowed to eat half the things elsewhere.

so thankful to friends who are putting a fundraiser together.
<3

listened to the story of how my soulmate learned i had cancer. i am so blessed and no one should doubt love. i am grateful to be here.

back to regular schedule. neuropathy is numbing but not as painful.
got tattoos from the radiologist and they are putting me in the schedule.
starting sculpture install next week.

wondering if anyone out there has thought about pregnancy vs. tamoxifen. i hate having to make these decisions now. i'll see my Taoist priest guy and think on it all. its so mysterious to me even now. estrogen vs pregnancy vs. cancer vs. tamoxifen. = rocket science. id almost rather have a double masectomy than risk uteran cancer (2 of 1000 people get it with tamoxifen?!)

breathing.

here is a pic of one of my newest tattoos...

i had another adrenalin/panic/nervous/restless(?) attack during chemo today. they attributed it to a bad reaction to benadryl this time instead of the steroids that they did last time. they gave me ativan. i passed out for like 6 hours.

still with a bad head cold...neuropathy and blood was so bad today the oncologist decided to postpone chemo for this week. that means one week longer :/