diagnosis june 24, 2011

I thought the surgeon was joking. literally. i guess that would be a bad sense of humor.  The whole way they were all so dismissive of what I found being anything... Well, I guess we could do a core biopsy, but I don't see anything, do you want it? I'm like "want" is not the right word, but I'm here, so I guess so. No family history, too young at 36 going on 26. I exercise i eat well. So, whatever, statistics, statastics. I'm always the exception to the rule.


I spent the summer in Seattle at what I thought was my last visit with my father. I am so blessed that it was not.  I had found a Mentos shaped but half the sized lump randomly and suddenly in April I think and went to my doctor. She was comfortingly dismissive and told me she would recommend testing because the patient found the lump, but it was most likely nothing. Then I went to Seattle where my dad was in critical care suddenly for MRSA. We moved him and waded through some family baggage before I left. I knew i had opened a healing process there. My auntie planned a visit which coincidentally took place the week of my first surgery.  She is a healer for me and again, I am so lucky.

So when my surgeon told me what they found was cancer, I was first very unemotional, I didnt feel any differently than the day before. I wasn't about to go buy a pink outfit and start walking for commercial fundraising. I guess the doctors are impressed at the way I deal with things. "You are handling all of this very well" How am I supposed to handle it? I don't know because it has never happened before and I don't know what is ahead of me.  All I know is I do not want to personify this process.  It is not ME that HAS this cancer. I don't want to own that and I don't want it as part of my identity.  This is a process that I am going through and I am not afraid or worried for its outcome.  I appreciate my place in all of it and am thankful for the insane grace that has surrounded me for it. 

I just happen to do my day-gig at a health college where I know and have access to dozens of western and eastern healers. I had been doing acupuncture weekly there for about six months successfully quelling other ailments and felt secure in the use of eastern medicine in my process.  If a process like this could be blessed, mine must be the most blessed.