in july when i couldnt wash my own hair. surgery meant my arm was to stay at my side along with a drain. gross.

Heather  <

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thank you

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Heather  <>	Sat, Jul 2, 2011 at 4:26 PM
To: Mom  <>
Hello mom This is the most serious thing ive ever gone thru and there is a lot of emotional stuff that i need to manage.  So the most important thing right now is for me to have only confident optimism and ease around me, on the phone and on emails so I can stay happy, confident, optimistic and easy. No anxiousness, pity, worry because in this delicate state, it affects me and makes me anxious and worriesome. I will tell you what I need. I know this is a challenge for you too, but I'm sure you don't need me to reassure you that I'll be fine. I got this, I'm not worried,  I am taken care of and am in the best situation I can ask for.  Radiation is done on my lunch break- it is easy and if anything it will only make me tired, so I will need more sleep. So forgive me if I am less available physically and emotionally to respond to emails and calls. If you want to know how I need support, I need you to  be happy for me.  I love you and if it becomes serious, I will let you know.  But right now the only other support I need is financial.  Instead of you coming here now, I would like to come out to visit when this is all over, and on my travel grant dime, to visit you and do the family research. I totally feel loved and thank you for your positive energy.  If you want to support me, instead of a plane ticket to be by my side right now, since my lifestyle is changing so drastically so quickly, feel free to send a care package or financial support for things I'm going to have to buy now like: a crockpot, copays, perscriptions, transportation (for surgery day), recipes and new food:  luckyvitamin.com or http://www.goldminenaturalfoods.com or wholefoods.com is welcomed. There are a lot of financial aid options for me that I am applying to but the process is quick and processing financial aid is not. Here is my new diet for pre/during radiation (a lot will stay the same post radiation).. Yes: Green tea water berries dandelion (tea or greens) broths/stews root veggies goji berries (dried) ginger, cinnamon seeds (roasted or toasted sesame, black sesame,sunflower,not pumpkin) lamb is best, rare is best, organic farm raised, stewed is better than roasted (no char) No: sugar dairy flour gluten nothing "white" essentially soy sour (vinegary) foods coffee no "raw juicing"/cold food (always lightly steam raw veggies) non-organic meats I also attached a copy of part of the book they gave me about Cancer support. It seems pretty helpful and true.

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Civilization (Bongo, Bongo, Bongo)
The Andrews Sisters with Danny Kaye written by Bob Hilliard and Carl Sigman as recorded September 27, 1947 in Los Angeles by The Andrews Sisters with Danny Kaye and Vic Schoen & His Orchestra.

Each morning, a missionary advertises neon sign
He tells the native population that civilization is fine
And three educated savages holler from a bamboo tree
That civilization is a thing for me to see

So bongo, bongo, bongo, I don't wanna leave the Congo, oh no no no no no
Bingo, bangle, bungle, I'm so happy in the jungle, I refuse to go
Don't want no bright lights, false teeth, doorbells, landlords, I make it clear
That no matter how they coax him, I'll stay right here

I looked through a magazine the missionary's wife concealed (Magazine? What happens?)
I see how people who are civilized bung you with automobile (You know you can get hurt that way Daniel?)
At the movies they have got to pay many coconuts to see (What do they see, Darling?)
Uncivilized pictures that the newsreel takes of me

So bongo, bongo, bongo, he don't wanna leave the Congo, oh no no no no no
Bingo, bangle, bungle, he's so happy in the jungle, he refuse to go
Don't want no penthouse, bathtub, streetcars, taxis, noise in my ear
So, no matter how they coax him, I'll stay right here

They hurry like savages to get aboard an iron train
And though it's smokey and it's crowded, they're too civilized to complain
When they've got two weeks vacation, they hurry to vacation ground (What do they do, Darling?)
They swim and they fish, but that's what I do all year round

So bongo, bongo, bongo, I don't wanna leave the Congo, oh no no no no no
Bingo, bangle, bungle, I'm so happy in the jungle, I refuse to go
Don't want no jailhouse, shotgun, fish-hooks, golf clubs, I got my spears
So, no matter how they coax him, I'll stay right here

They have things like the atom bomb, so I think I'll stay where I "ahm"
Civilization, I'll stay right here!

diagnosis june 24, 2011

I thought the surgeon was joking. literally. i guess that would be a bad sense of humor.  The whole way they were all so dismissive of what I found being anything... Well, I guess we could do a core biopsy, but I don't see anything, do you want it? I'm like "want" is not the right word, but I'm here, so I guess so. No family history, too young at 36 going on 26. I exercise i eat well. So, whatever, statistics, statastics. I'm always the exception to the rule.


I spent the summer in Seattle at what I thought was my last visit with my father. I am so blessed that it was not.  I had found a Mentos shaped but half the sized lump randomly and suddenly in April I think and went to my doctor. She was comfortingly dismissive and told me she would recommend testing because the patient found the lump, but it was most likely nothing. Then I went to Seattle where my dad was in critical care suddenly for MRSA. We moved him and waded through some family baggage before I left. I knew i had opened a healing process there. My auntie planned a visit which coincidentally took place the week of my first surgery.  She is a healer for me and again, I am so lucky.

So when my surgeon told me what they found was cancer, I was first very unemotional, I didnt feel any differently than the day before. I wasn't about to go buy a pink outfit and start walking for commercial fundraising. I guess the doctors are impressed at the way I deal with things. "You are handling all of this very well" How am I supposed to handle it? I don't know because it has never happened before and I don't know what is ahead of me.  All I know is I do not want to personify this process.  It is not ME that HAS this cancer. I don't want to own that and I don't want it as part of my identity.  This is a process that I am going through and I am not afraid or worried for its outcome.  I appreciate my place in all of it and am thankful for the insane grace that has surrounded me for it. 

I just happen to do my day-gig at a health college where I know and have access to dozens of western and eastern healers. I had been doing acupuncture weekly there for about six months successfully quelling other ailments and felt secure in the use of eastern medicine in my process.  If a process like this could be blessed, mine must be the most blessed.