No one ever told me what would happen after treatment. And I know I was overconfident in combatting all of it. Depression, "chemobrain", early "menopause" (hot flashes, no period), panic attacks, weight gain. It is all chemical. I have to remind myself every day that it is not just my genetics or my habits or my choices. It is the fact that the flushed my body with toxic chemicals and continue to make me take drugs that force my body to not regulate itself, that force my body to not flush toxins out, and force a chemistry that causes a chain reaction inside of me.
I don't remember if I told you about all of this before. I've been taking Tamoxifen for nearly three years now out of five prescribed. Which she says will change to ten. In the second year I was prescribed Effexor to combat some of my side-effects on Tamoxifen (depression, panic attacks, hot flashes). But both of these drugs have a side effect of weight gain. Eventually I was taken off Effexor because the depression that the weight gain caused wasn't worth it to me. My hot flashes were tolerable and I take Valium for panic attacks which are infrequent. But the weight has not come off. So I assume Tamoxifen is the leading cause of that. It makes sense... it is messing with my hormones, tricking my body into thinking it is in menopause so I look like a 60 year old lady because of that. I worked out every day and saw nothing change. I have never ever been this heavy before. Even when I was heavy I was thirty pounds lighter than this. Also, the idea of dating and having to tell someone that I not only had cancer but could not have kids was sinking in as my doctor told me finally that I may actually be in menopause. What thirty-something year old, hell, forty-something year old would actually choose a partner that could get sick again, wants kids but can't have them and is freakin fat mangle-tittied and not healthy looking if they had other choices? I got so depressed about all this a few months ago that I did not refill my rx. It wasn't really on purpose, it was kind of subconscious laziness. I was traveling. I didn't refill. Anyways, a month later, to my surprise, I got my period for the first time in over three years. I cried. haha. I really did. And I called my acupuncturist who cried with me. I was so happy and hopeful now. I went back on the Tamoxifen but I know now that my body can recover. I should've trusted that. But it had been so long. My body has always always always been sensitive... look at my first reaction to acupuncture! It should not be surprising that a drug would take such impact on my body and no surprise that my body can be resilient.
So for this new year, I cannot wait to commit to some healthy habits again. I'm going back to my food plan from before, I'm going to continue exercise, continue acupuncture, maybe take classes or join a gym, and cut alcohol and find another meditation center or something.
2015: recenter.
my words for the year are Health and Ambition.
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