my eyes have improved (!)

i have been wearing glasses since junior high. the contacts i have been wearing have been the same for at least 4 years and before that since i got them in college. i have never had a prescription this weak. i went from -4.25 in my left eye to 3. and 3.25 in my right eye to 3.75. that is insane.
someone mentioned my diet. yes, possibly that improved my eyes! highly recommended.

new food list for summer

great visit with Jeffrey Yuen...

avoid high-protien grains (no quinoa, wheat, rye)
only small beans (mung, lentils, black eyed peas)
rice is fine
raw or sprouted seeds (no toasted)
no sunflower seeds
nuts in moderation (no cashews, pecans, peanuts, macadamia nuts-sticky)
no raw tomato
no asparagus
no eggplant
potatoes are ok- baked is best
no hot spices- spicy
fruit in moderation (2 servings or less/day, nothing too acidic)
no oranges, pineapple, cherries, apricots, melons (except watermelon is fine)
good are: grapefruit, berries, peaches, pears, apples
no turkey or duck
no lamb for summer
good are: lean pork, beef, chicken, shellfish
no lobster or crab or shimp (no shellfish with feet)
sushi is fine
no dairy (but butter, yogurt and cottage cheese is ok)
eggs in moderation (protein is too much)
avoid vinegar (oil and lemon for salad dressing)
more firmented stuff though (sourkraut, kimchi are good)

port removed!

yum

port removal tomorrow

surgery. 3-5 hours they say. strange it takes so long.

also... what does it mean when my clothing begins to match my daily pill regimen?
and is it bad when just taking all 28 pills makes me full?

i really don't want this much responsibility for my own future. what does that mean?!
i don't really believe in the western medicine as much as the eastern but the way they break things down to statistics and categories and scare tactics does effect me. so now, i've been saying for months that my treatment would stop after radiation and i would decline the hormone therapy because of the 3% risk of uteran cancer and the time span of not being able to breed and the side effects that make it similar to radiation and chemo but for five fucking years. and now i find myself with prescription in hand. i feel scared and that is all. i trust the eastern doctor but they dont use scare tactics so their voice is not contrary to western inmy mind.aaa  i just want to be done and be healthy now.

still really exhausted despite my ambition. 4th "cold" in a month. and my finger began swelling. :O( put my lymphedema sleeve on. we'll see.

I AM FINISHED WITH RADIATION

chemo, check.
radiation, check.
I am declining hormone therapy.
So now it is removing my port, healing and continuing Chinese treatments and  I am done.

xo


This website made me smile...not too different...
http://englishrussia.com/2012/05/17/oncological-centre-in-khabarovsk/#more-100668

skin is pretty gross now

Saving my skin:

Stinks like a barnyard but this stuff is the best. Seriously stains everything but it worked the best, felt the healthiest and I knew I wasn't drying my skin out.

Doctor recommended but it's mostly just overpriced Vaseline. And I've heard that actually dries skin out ultimately. Doesn't stink though. I used this when I was going out anywhere so I didn't smell bad.

This stuff stinks too. But like soup and grandmothers. Chinese doctor recommended. It was great for the beginning. A little intense when my skin started peeling. But it was great to take away any heat and throb. 

I love allafia. This stuff smelled great but I use too much of it to afford it. It's mostly Shea but it's like whipped or something so it's softer. I used this mostly at the very end after I healed mostly.

radiation sucks.
this was thursday... i think week 4...

and this was today...

seems so archaic.
mmmm...just BURNit out....hmmmm.....
whatever. i'm almost done.

radiation today in the middle of trying to run errands. that was a mistake. i dont think i felt it but my eyes were crossing from exhaustion by 7. and i have some joint ache in my right side... even if that is psychosomatic i need to remember to eat my vitamins and take it easy. whew.

clearing lungs, treating neuropathy... fear the purple needles. :)

In the midst of stressful preparation for the fundraiser, my first undergraduate teacher, from Seattle, walks in to the room!!! I was shocked and I cried. I am blessed, amazed, humbled and such a lucky girl...

+ SO much love <3

- neuropathy SUX

i have a big shoe box-- boot sized--- that i'm tossing my bills in now... unopened. lol. I figure i will get to them when my brain is straight. That's the funny thing- when chemo was at its worst, the anesthesiologist's bill collector kept calling me. And that was a time that I could barely read anything without vomiting let alone try to manage my finances or pay my bills. I had to get a friend to go through my box with me and fillout all my checks and make negotiation phone calls for me.  At least I can do it myself now. My hands and feet are pretty bad now but it will fade with time... the neuropathy and some weird muscle spasm in my palm and then the nail pain.  But I am blessed with an army of talented hard working friends. And that is more important.

I began my install at the museum. My chinese doctor and the western social worker think its really really important for me to keep invested in my passion. Power tools are a little difficult at times, but I have an assistant and take breaks. I'm happy. And thankful.

Today is Women's Day

Today is Women's Day.  I am happy to share with you that an hour ago I completed my chemotherapy treatment for breast cancer. And I received the results of a normal mammogram. And its sunny and warm outside for the first time in months.  I am normally a very private person but through this treatment realize how important it is to be open with this process for many reasons.

I was also denied a Pt CT Scan that my radiologist needs to proceed with radiation therapy. It is amazing how someone like me with insurance ends up having to pay for so much out of pocket. It may have been easier to have no insurance because I think Medicare covers more... My social worker at the hospital said I am in a difficult situation... not earning little enough to justify so many grants or medicare but not earning enough to pay for the coinsurance, copays, rx and things that are not covered like anesthesiology and scans and egg freezing and acupuncture (ironically enough since my insurance comes from my job at an acupuncture school). So much money.

thus fundraiser.

last chemo tx

nurse didar stabing me in the chest. we call her the one with the sexy eyebrows. i cried partly because of her beautiful baby bump that has grown since she stabbed me inthe chest the first time months ago when i had hair. and because i have to make a decisioin about taking hormone therapy for five years that will delay my conceiving until after. they dont design cancer therapy for people my age. too old to recover in time to be normal and too young to... well, just too young. i admit it has been nice not cramping or bleeding for the past 6 months.

i'm forcing this constipated looking smile because i feel very shitty but in my heart i'm happy. im done!! now on to radiation...

started installation. wearing my lymphadema sleeve and breaking often, so thankful to have an assistant!

update: my fingers and toes are sooo numb! i couldn't cover my feet again last night but i only have ONE MORE CHEMO before that part is over, so I'm talking myself into the zone... must be able to button my shirt on Thursday and keep my hemoglobin, red and white cells up so they'll proceed with treatment. whew.
then i'll get three weeks break before radiation starts.  meanwhile, my sleep patterns have been pretty consistent the last few weeks... thursday i crash from the drugs, friday i'm wired from the drugs, saturday and sunday the drugs are starting to wear off and i sleep for 2-4 hour stretches and then am up for 5-7 before i crash again, monday-wednesdays are increasingly better- up to 6 hours of sleep at nights but i usually am up at like 5am adn crash at like 7pm which is annoying.

bills: piling up in the shoe box besides the automatic debit ones. whole foods is a money vacuum but i'm not allowed to eat half the things elsewhere.

so thankful to friends who are putting a fundraiser together.
<3

listened to the story of how my soulmate learned i had cancer. i am so blessed and no one should doubt love. i am grateful to be here.

back to regular schedule. neuropathy is numbing but not as painful.
got tattoos from the radiologist and they are putting me in the schedule.
starting sculpture install next week.

wondering if anyone out there has thought about pregnancy vs. tamoxifen. i hate having to make these decisions now. i'll see my Taoist priest guy and think on it all. its so mysterious to me even now. estrogen vs pregnancy vs. cancer vs. tamoxifen. = rocket science. id almost rather have a double masectomy than risk uteran cancer (2 of 1000 people get it with tamoxifen?!)

breathing.

here is a pic of one of my newest tattoos...

i had another adrenalin/panic/nervous/restless(?) attack during chemo today. they attributed it to a bad reaction to benadryl this time instead of the steroids that they did last time. they gave me ativan. i passed out for like 6 hours.

still with a bad head cold...neuropathy and blood was so bad today the oncologist decided to postpone chemo for this week. that means one week longer :/

there are 5 pills missing from this handful of 3 times a day

socks are too tight.
it's hard to type or take lids off Tupperware or open new garbage bags or pick up a dropped metrocard.
I feel like sleeping every 4 hours for about 3 hours.
I am overwhelmed but thankful

tired

denied an appeal for leave. thinking.
too much on my plate but it all has to get done.
weight has stayed at 117. I'm good with that.

75% of eyebrows gone. 90% of bottom lashes. Top lashes all the little filler ones are gone but the long ones are holding stubbornly on which makes for better mascara wearing.

my nails are sore and blackening and my fingertips are numb so i may let up on posting here as they get worse.

i'm tired. but happy. glad to be done with the AC which was as close to feeling like i was dying as i can imagine... and i feel so loved and supported which makes me feel safe.

<3